Tag Archives: Regret

Maybe…Just maybe…..

19 Feb

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Have you ever felt uncertain in your life? That feeling when you are so sure of everything then suddenly one day…you don’t know what you feel and everything becomes vague?

It was 2007…. Yes it was 11 years ago. I met this guy – tall, mestizo, and yes I must admit, he was handsome. I was on the process of moving on from my bitter sweet so called “1st love”. I must admit that at first, I was thinking that he will be my way out to ease the pain. We kept texting each other, talking about everything and getting to know each other. We usually went out together, watching movies in cinema, eating lunch or dinner and playing in arcades. Yes, I was having fun with him. He helped me move on, somehow… or maybe I just thought…

I was a service crew in Jollibee during that time. The way he waited for me and the way he asked me out. The way he visited my house, I knew that he deserved my “Yes”. We were young but I knew we were happy and so in love… or maybe I just thought….

He said that I am his lucky charm, because the time I said yes, he got the result for his South Korea job and he passed. He was so happy, and of course as his girl, I was so happy for him as well… or maybe I just thought…

Time flies so fast. Here I was, with his family at NAIA terminal 1. Sending my goodbye to my 1st boyfriend. Every monthsaries, I usually wrote a letter for him, so that when he gets back he can read them. He always called me just to make sure we were okay. As we went along, we were able to fight this what they called Long Distance Relationship (LDR)…. or maybe I just thought….

After few months, I don’t know what went wrong, but I broke up with him over the phone. Yes, it was my fault. It was my decision. The beautiful relationship that I dreamt of, was suddenly gone. The only thing that reminds me of him, are his pictures together with a love letter from Korea and my 6 pending letters for our monthsaries. I chose to keep them and go on with my life.

We lost communication………

After 2 years, he found me on Facebook…. We are okay, we are friends, he never blamed me. Well, there are times that he is teasing me and I feel that he is into me but I always disregard the thoughts and take him for granted. There are times that he will say ‘hi’ and ask me ‘how am I doing’ and I simply reply on his messages. We never had the chance to meet again, or maybe we are just contented with chatting each other, though the chat messages are just once in a blue-moon.

For all those times that he might be into me, or for all the times that I thought we will be back together, I don’t know but I think the timing was never perfect. I have a boyfriend and he does not have a girlfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. But maybe there was this one time that I thought it was the perfect time for us. It was 2013, I was single and he was single too. No commitments at all. He was teasing me and sending me sweet nothings but I don’t know if he was serious or what. I never asked. Then someone came along to pursue me and put some efforts. So I disregarded the thought of being back together with my “1st boyfriend”, and I fell in love.

3 years and 4 months I’ve been in a relationship. He still says “hi” sometimes. We are still friends and we are okay. I broke up with my boyfriend because of some issues. I felt so numb of everything. But out of this numbness, he is there, checking on me, chatting with me, asking me and talking to me. I started to feel differently. I’m still confuse because I just came from a failed relationship. Am I seeing him as a way out again? But for the past 8 months. I was able to clear things up. Or maybe I just thought……

Only God knows how I tried to avoid him. I really did because of this strange feelings I have. I know what is right and I don’t need to go there… I know… Or maybe I just thought…

I don’t know how to explain it but he is always on my mind. I’m always waiting for his messages. I got mad whenever he is not chatting me. I don’t know if I’m just seeking for an attention but I was able to clear things up, that….that… there was a part on my heart that was revived! That my feelings for him is now coming back. Then suddenly I got scared. I got scared because I know this time is not the perfect time. Because he belongs to someone else now….. He has a girlfriend now… And here I am stuck between fight for him or let him go…

It is not easy to decide when your heart and mind are arguing. I know we have to make sure as well. For 11 years we are not seeing each other. We need to see each other but after that what? Will I be happy if he will choose me? Knowing that we hurt someone? Am I ready for another pain? Or maybe…. just maybe… I’m ready to let him go….

If I will be true enough to myself, If given a chance… I want him to be my last… He was my first… And after 11 years, I’ve realized that if we deserve this “second chance”, then I want him to be my past, my present and my future…If I could just turn back the time… I don’t know why after 11 years I’m feeling this way. I know it is not right. You belong to someone else now… but here in my heart… I’m still hoping that we will have a second chance… I’m still hoping that maybe…just maybe… after all… we are meant to be….

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I Love My Crazy BestFriend

5 Feb

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Have you ever fallen in love with a friend or a best friend? Did you ever had the chance to tell him or her? Or you rather chose your friendship?

Here is a story from the past that will surely touch your heart.

It was the 1st week of February, the so called Heart’s Month! The month that is not really intended for singles like me. But that year was different as compared to previous years. Well congratulations to me, I’m not only celebrating this month as a single lady but a broken hearted girl! And maybe this will never be my month! I can still feel the pain while I’m on my way to work. I was listening to some music on my phone and trying to ask myself if it was really my fault. And suddenly I didn’t know what to do, if I will just avoid him or continue the friendship that we established. Then I just found myself reminiscing the past…

I was at SM Clark and I was waiting for my friend’s brother. Weeks ago he just added me on Facebook and that was the time that his sister told me some stories about him. As if on queue, he just sent me a private message and I did some little chat with him. He got my number and I found it easy to talk with. I was going  to meet him now for the 1st time. He asked me to join him for a movie that he really wanted to watch. I don’t know why I said yes to him when I already watched the movie with my cousin and I had to wait for another 3 hours because he was at work. Maybe because he was my friend’s brother. After 1 hour, 2 hours then 3 hours… he was already standing in front of me handing me our drinks and chips. And he just asked me to wait while he bought the movie tickets. I wonder why he knew it was me, maybe because of my pictures on FB?

We actually enjoyed the movie.

It seemed as if we’d known each other for so many years. He was asking me about the ending and I just said “secret” because I didn’t want to be a spoiler. After the movie, we went to McDonald’s. And suddenly we were talking as if we were best friends. He started sharing some part of his life which I knew was very hard to share especially with a person that you just met. He told me all his happiness, his pain and his heartaches. Once in a while, I shared some part of my life story too. After that day I knew that he was going to be one of my best friends. It’s not about the length of time we knew each other but the feelings and compatibility that we shared that day.

Days passed by, then months… We’ve been very close to each other. I introduced him to my parents and he introduced me to his parents. Every now and then we go out with his workmates and with some of his friends. He is always invited on every occasions to our house. Then one day he told me, “what if I court you”? It took me minutes before I answered him. I just came from a 3 year relationship and enjoying my single life again. But those are not the reasons why I can’t allow him to court me. I have totally moved on with my past but the fact that I hurt him so much haunts me, suddenly I was afraid not for myself but for him. What if I will just hurt him just like what happened to my ex-boyfriend? I can’t take that because I know he’s been through a lot of pain before. I didn’t want to be the reason of his heart aches again. So I decided to stay with the friendship. I told him that I’m happy for what we are right now. And he respects that. I’m glad he did. Nothing has changed. He is still my crazy best friend.

After 4 months he told me that he is courting someone. A workmate that loves him so much. I am so happy for him. Because finally he turned his attention to that girl. Though he said he still loves me and I’m the one that he really likes. I told him to concentrate on the girl because if not, he will just hurt her feelings.

I felt I loved him.

Then weeks passed by, it’s as if the joke was on me. I don’t know what happened to me. I just woke up one day and felt I’m already in love with him. That one day I asked him to jog with me. I just wanted to hug him because I missed him so much and I had never been like that before. When he said goodbye that day, I just wanted to ask him to stay a little longer. Then, realization hit me. I was now in love with my crazy best friend! I tried to hide it. But whenever he told me about the girl and the status of his courtship, there is this familiar hurt in my heart. That somehow I want to tell him, “Please come back to me” , that I’m so sorry for taking for granted his feelings before. God knows how I regretted that day. If I could just turn back the time!

With the help of our common friends I told him what I feel. Wishing that its not too late… but he can’t hurt the feelings of the girl anymore. He told me that during the time he was in pain because I couldn’t love him more than a best friend, that girl was there. And that was the time that he just accepted the fact that we are just friends. One thing is clear to me, PAIN! A painful regret that I protected him in that situation before, but little did I know I caused him pain. That I broke his heart when I made a choice. I decided to avoid him, but where do I start? Everything just reminds me of him. And he told me, “when you hurt me, I did not avoid you, I just stayed, beside you, specially when you needed me.” But our situation now is different. I chose friendship before and he is choosing another girl now. How painful that could be?

My crazy best friend.

After 2 days of thinking, crying and reminiscing, I decided to stay with my crazy best friend to bring back the harmonious relationship that we have had, to pretend that nothing happened. I wish I could do it, but just in my 1st week of trying, I already gave up. I took the pain that feel whenever he is with me. Somehow he is different now. He will no longer be the crazy best friend that I had before. He is too serious now. And we can never be more than friends and that hurts me more. I missed him so much, his care, his concern, his effort, his time, the way he says “Good morning Miss Nerd”, “I missed you Miss Nerd”, “I’m home Miss Nerd, thanks for your time”. Oh! how stupid I was not to notice it before.

Now I decided to stay away, till the pain goes. Until the old us will be back. I know it’s not easy to do it. But for now that is the only way that I can think of which will be better for both of us. And maybe its crazy but I’m still hoping that someday, when the right time comes, we will find ourselves together with a happy ever after…..

“A Painful Regret”

27 Jan

I want to share this painful story that I printed and put on my collections way back 2007.

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Regret is a feeling that we carry with ourselves to our graves. It is an intense and immensely painful feeling, especially if it’s a regret about something which we did not do or say to our loved one.

Have you ever been afraid to do something? And regretted after realizing: “I wish I had the courage back then. Maybe I would have been happy now”.

Read this story and be inspired to do something different.

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called “best friend”. I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn’t notice me like that, and I knew it.

After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and I handed them to her. She said “thanks” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I didn’t want to be just friends. I loved her but I was just too shy, and I don’t know why.

11th grade:

The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep.

She looked at me, said “thanks” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I didn’t want to be just friends, I loved her but I was just too shy and I don’t know why.

Senior year:

The day before prom she walked to my locker. “My date is sick” she said; he’s not going to be well. I don’t have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as “best friends”. So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step! I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I wanted her to be mine. But she never thought of me like that, and I knew it. Then she said “I had the best time, thanks!” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I didn’t want to be just friends, I loved her but I was just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Graduation Day:

A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched, as her perfect body floated like an angel up on the stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, “you’re my best friend, thanks”, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I didn’t want to be just friends, I loved her but I was too shy, and I don’t know why.

A Few Years Later:

Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say “I do” and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said “you came!”. She said “thanks” and kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I didn’t want to be just friends, I loved her but I was just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Funeral:

Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my “best friend”. At the service, they read a diary entry she had written in her high school years. This is what it read:

I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn’t notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love him but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me!

I wish I did too…. I thought to myself, and I cried.

Disclaimer: I don’t own this blog. I have this on my collections way back 2007. I want to share it to inspire more people. All credit to the owner. Sadly, I was not able to get the name of the owner.