Have you ever felt uncertain in your life? That feeling when you are so sure of everything then suddenly one day…you don’t know what you feel and everything becomes vague?
It was 2007…. Yes it was 11 years ago. I met this guy – tall, mestizo, and yes I must admit, he was handsome. I was on the process of moving on from my bitter sweet so called “1st love”. I must admit that at first, I was thinking that he will be my way out to ease the pain. We kept texting each other, talking about everything and getting to know each other. We usually went out together, watching movies in cinema, eating lunch or dinner and playing in arcades. Yes, I was having fun with him. He helped me move on, somehow… or maybe I just thought…
I was a service crew in Jollibee during that time. The way he waited for me and the way he asked me out. The way he visited my house, I knew that he deserved my “Yes”. We were young but I knew we were happy and so in love… or maybe I just thought….
He said that I am his lucky charm, because the time I said yes, he got the result for his South Korea job and he passed. He was so happy, and of course as his girl, I was so happy for him as well… or maybe I just thought…
Time flies so fast. Here I was, with his family at NAIA terminal 1. Sending my goodbye to my 1st boyfriend. Every monthsaries, I usually wrote a letter for him, so that when he gets back he can read them. He always called me just to make sure we were okay. As we went along, we were able to fight this what they called Long Distance Relationship (LDR)…. or maybe I just thought….
After few months, I don’t know what went wrong, but I broke up with him over the phone. Yes, it was my fault. It was my decision. The beautiful relationship that I dreamt of, was suddenly gone. The only thing that reminds me of him, are his pictures together with a love letter from Korea and my 6 pending letters for our monthsaries. I chose to keep them and go on with my life.
We lost communication………
After 2 years, he found me on Facebook…. We are okay, we are friends, he never blamed me. Well, there are times that he is teasing me and I feel that he is into me but I always disregard the thoughts and take him for granted. There are times that he will say ‘hi’ and ask me ‘how am I doing’ and I simply reply on his messages. We never had the chance to meet again, or maybe we are just contented with chatting each other, though the chat messages are just once in a blue-moon.
For all those times that he might be into me, or for all the times that I thought we will be back together, I don’t know but I think the timing was never perfect. I have a boyfriend and he does not have a girlfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. But maybe there was this one time that I thought it was the perfect time for us. It was 2013, I was single and he was single too. No commitments at all. He was teasing me and sending me sweet nothings but I don’t know if he was serious or what. I never asked. Then someone came along to pursue me and put some efforts. So I disregarded the thought of being back together with my “1st boyfriend”, and I fell in love.
3 years and 4 months I’ve been in a relationship. He still says “hi” sometimes. We are still friends and we are okay. I broke up with my boyfriend because of some issues. I felt so numb of everything. But out of this numbness, he is there, checking on me, chatting with me, asking me and talking to me. I started to feel differently. I’m still confuse because I just came from a failed relationship. Am I seeing him as a way out again? But for the past 8 months. I was able to clear things up. Or maybe I just thought……
Only God knows how I tried to avoid him. I really did because of this strange feelings I have. I know what is right and I don’t need to go there… I know… Or maybe I just thought…
I don’t know how to explain it but he is always on my mind. I’m always waiting for his messages. I got mad whenever he is not chatting me. I don’t know if I’m just seeking for an attention but I was able to clear things up, that….that… there was a part on my heart that was revived! That my feelings for him is now coming back. Then suddenly I got scared. I got scared because I know this time is not the perfect time. Because he belongs to someone else now….. He has a girlfriend now… And here I am stuck between fight for him or let him go…
It is not easy to decide when your heart and mind are arguing. I know we have to make sure as well. For 11 years we are not seeing each other. We need to see each other but after that what? Will I be happy if he will choose me? Knowing that we hurt someone? Am I ready for another pain? Or maybe…. just maybe… I’m ready to let him go….
If I will be true enough to myself, If given a chance… I want him to be my last… He was my first… And after 11 years, I’ve realized that if we deserve this “second chance”, then I want him to be my past, my present and my future…If I could just turn back the time… I don’t know why after 11 years I’m feeling this way. I know it is not right. You belong to someone else now… but here in my heart… I’m still hoping that we will have a second chance… I’m still hoping that maybe…just maybe… after all… we are meant to be….
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